My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
