i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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