yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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