PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
