oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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