i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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