I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just found puke in my bra..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
