I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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