Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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