I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
