Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is my gift to your gina
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize