Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
