Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
why do cheetos always look like penises
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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