He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
