just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
