Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize