Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
