apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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