I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
