got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
