Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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