Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
pray to the hookup gods
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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