I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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