Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
