So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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