The best revenge is premature balding
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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