I want to make a zoo with you.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
