Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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