Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
