I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
