Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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