I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
