You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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