your parents love me but you hate me
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
