im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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