Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
