I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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