Kiss
Puke
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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