Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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