Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i have herpe
just one?
two words: eviction party
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
