FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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