How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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