She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
