Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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