I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Randomize
