Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
