I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
