mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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