I love black thongs
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
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Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
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Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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