I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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