last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
