I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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