I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
