does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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