Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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