is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
