Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
