Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
