So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
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I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
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I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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