what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
