Don't make out with my wife yet
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
